meet the queen

UPON ARRIVAL TO BUCKINGHAM PALACE, we stood in line to meet the queen. Apparently, reports of her death had been greatly exaggerated. The interior of the palace reminded one of the toy department of a major Manhattan department store. Christmas decorations were strung from the ceiling and in the distance, I could see the small, white-haired woman seated in a comfortable chair like a storefront Santa. She wore an elegant, silver crown on her head, and one of her arms was raised aloft, holding a cigarette. It was a Crown Filter, quite naturally.

“I didn’t know she smoked,” I said to her private secretary, an unctuous, well dressed man with oily hair and a thin mustache, who said, “It is a well-kept secret that the queen is a smoker.”

Across from the Queen, a petite and proper British girl was seated. The Queen was patiently receiving her imperial Christmas wish list. I overheard something about Harry Potter and the Falkland Islands. Ahead of us in line, there was a group of Mohawk Indians from the Akwesasne Reserve, who had come to plead their case with the Great White Mother. My daughter and I waited there patiently as the Queen received the Mohawk and listened to their imperial Christmas wish lists. Then she saw them off and left.

“Next!” the private secretary called out to us. My daughter and I approached the plush palace Santa chair. We were disheartened to see that Her Excellency had been replaced by Camilla, the royal consort of Charles. Camilla leaned across to welcome us. My daughter looked up at the private secretary. “But it’s not her,” she said. “Well, the Queen has a very busy schedule,” the private secretary said. “She can’t hear everyone’s imperial Christmas wish list.” “That’s all fine and good,” I told the private secretary, “but we didn’t travel all the way to Buckingham Palace to meet Camilla, the royal consort.” I looked over at Camilla in her chair. Her hair had become fully gray and she had put on a little weight under her sweater over the holidays. I suppose there was nothing wrong with her per se. But if you get an opportunity to meet the queen, you take it.

“What are we going to do, daddy?” my daughter asked. Camilla smiled politely to us. “It’s simple,” I whispered down to her. “We’ll just have to wait until the real queen comes back.”

fratelli’s health and wellness

I INHERITED FROM MY GRANDMOTHER a house on the coast overlooking the bay. For some reason, it took 10 years for the estate to be parcelled out, but one day I drove up to the modern, two-storey, three bedroom structure and entered from the side door. It seemed odd to me that my grandmother could have kept this in her possession for so many years without me knowing about it, but she was always tight-lipped about such things and it had wonderful views. Its spacious second floor with its wide windows looked strangely like my childhood home on Long Island. “This,” I thought, “will be the perfect place to get some writing done.”

Downstairs though I heard some clanging and loud voices. Upon descending the steps, I encountered two well-dressed older men, who bore a resemblance to Robert Davi and Joe Pantoliano, who played the Fratelli brothers in The Goonies. One of them was wearing a white, button-down shirt, open at the collar. “What are you doing here?” he said. “Are you a customer?” I looked around the room and could see there was a massage table, along with a stand of various creams and essential oils. “What are you doing here?” I responded. “This is my grandmother’s house, I inherited it. It was a part of her estate!” “We’ve been running a health and wellness center here for years, kid,” he replied. Quickly, it became a shouting match.

I stormed out to visit my lawyer, an older Japanese man named Ushikawa, but his office was a mess. There were pieces of potato chips all over the carpet and crushed cans of Coca Cola. He shrugged at my problem. “What do you want me to do about it?” my attorney said. “Do you think I can personally evict them?” Looking over the old Japanese man with his gray hair, I realized that he was right, and that the police would be needed. Back at the house, I gave the Fratellis another warning and told them to leave. But they again dismissed me. “You go and call the cops,” the brothers told me. “See if either of us cares.” Bunch of arrogant pricks, really.

I did call the police, but the phone rang and rang, and in the end, nobody came to help me.

Later, I wound up at Constantine Kim’s house in some other part of this leafy, island suburbia. I was sitting on his couch and trying to learn “Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix on the guitar, especially the introduction. This I paid special attention to. There I was, figuring out Jimi’s moves, when Constantine said that we had to go to an important function (maybe a class reunion?) and I would have to put on some better clothes. “You can’t go looking like that,” Constantine said. “When you see the world, the world sees you.” He had matured into a proper gentleman, I thought, in the intervening years. All suit and tie. Gone was that rambunctious Korean kid with a bowl cut, I once knew. I got cleaned up and went outside in my finest (and only) jacket. At that moment, Benji Rosario came walking by dressed like a postal worker. He had grown his yellow hair out, but otherwise looked just as he had in high school. I greeted him and we got on swell, just like old times. It was good to see Constantine and Benji after all of these years. But what was Benji doing here? What was I doing back in suburbia on Long Island? What about my grandma’s house? Maybe, if we worked together, we could take it back from the Fratellis?

‘igavene’ by sadu

THERE IS A DANGER when it comes to catchy Estonian songs. The danger is that they might become too popular. Then children’s choirs will start singing them, and they will become old ladies’ ringtones, which you overhear on trains, maybe in some place like Käru, and before you know it, you are pushing a cart down the aisle in an Estonian supermarket and you are wishing you never heard the goddamn thing! “Turn that shit off!” But, no, there shall be no such relief.

I shall not list the Estonian songs that have attained such a status, because you know exactly which ones I am referring to. But it is my sincere hope that “Igavene” by SADU never gets so far, but remains right where it is. I was sort of aware of SADU because its cofounder Sandra Sillamaa and I travel in the same circles and I was aware she was posing in various photos with the other cofounder, Sofia-Liis Liiv, but to be honest, they might as well have been promoting a lifestyle plan or deluxe shampoo. Who can pay attention to anything in this Instagram world?

But then one day I was at a friend’s house and this song came on. “Oh my god,” I thought. “It’s really good.” I have this memory of when I was about 12 years old and Achtung Baby had just come out. My friend had a small radio in his bathroom, and I slept over the house. “Mysterious Ways” came on the radio and I was hooked from those first sounds of The Edge’s guitar. I still listen to that song just to remember how tasty that guitar was the first time I heard it. Something about “Igavene” reminds me of that feeling. It’s like a delicious flavor of ice cream.

When I tried to describe the song, the words that came to mind were pop, world music, and Estonian folk. Then I read their Wikipedia entry, which states, in Estonian, “SADU is an ensemble that combines elements of folk, pop, and world music.” I am just saturated in Estonian folk music, living where I live, and honestly the runo song call and response template can get tiring, but this song reminded me of what I liked about world music, and even got me thinking about how world music leaked into the pop world. Fleeting memories of Paul Simon and his album Graceland, but also of Deep Forest (remember them?) Let’s put it this way, you could slide “Igavene” into a play list including “The Boy in the Bubble,” “Sweet Melody,” and “Norwegian Wood” by the Beatles, and it would fit right in. There is something refreshing about new sounds. “Igavene” manages to make something that was familiar sound fresh.

According to Sandra, she decided in 2024 to do something new, “something with female power up front.” She began to work with Frederik Küüts on some music, partnered with Sofia-Liis Liiv, and SADU was born. “Igavene” was one of the first songs they wrote for the project. It emerged from some lyrical ideas. “Life goes by so fast and people should be bolder,” says Sandra of the song’s concept. “Igavene” by the way translates as “eternal, everlasting, perpetual, or endless.” I guess “eternal” would be the best pick. But “Everlasting” sounds fine too. The song is included in their debut album Probleemid Paradiisis (“Problems in Paradise”). The record was released in September 2025.

scooter

I WAS ON MY WAY HOME when I saw the man. He was standing by the roadside in a field. He was wearing a black, button down shirt, a pair of blue jeans, his arms were folded. He looked like a young Benny Andersson of ABBA, but was clean shaven. He saw me on my scooter and waved me down. “Are you lost?” I asked. The stranger replied, “Hey man, could you give me a ride?”

It seemed like a peculiar request. He wanted to ride on my Bolt scooter? But there was only room for one. I shook my head. “I’m going home,” I told him. “I live right around the corner.” With that, I was off. The roads around my house were elevated, but more or less followed the same pattern as Pineapple Street, Prince Street, and Rich Old Bastard’s Neck Road, out in Quahog Ponds at the easternmost point of Long Island. At the end of Rich Old Bastard’s, there was an old manor house, and at the start of that road, there was a burial ground for African and Indian servants.

I went to make the turn onto Rich Old Bastard’s Neck Road, and the man stood in front of me again. He had somehow sprinted through the fields, forests and wetlands and arrived to the spot before I got there. Who was capable of running so quickly? And without breaking a sweat? He approached me with that same Benny Andersson cool. “Hey man,” he asked again, “could you give me a ride?”

This time, I decided to ditch the man in black. I revved the scooter, zoomed up ahead to another waterfront estate. I held the scooter in one hand and came up through the terrace in front, ducking through some screened-in corridors and walkways until I came out the other side, where I could see that the way home was all clear. Then I boarded my scooter and cruised on down Rich Old Bastard’s Neck Road to the old manor house where I seemingly lived. It was a fine day and the sun was out. I could see the ducks and geese in the water and reeds that lined the road.

When I got to the house, I quickly went in and locked the door behind me. My daughters’ toys and clothes were all over the floor in the foyer, and I began to pick them up and put them away in a cupboard. The door handle began to jiggle and I could see that someone was trying to get in. I went over to the door and put my eye to the keyhole. I saw the man’s eye on the other side. This time, he wasn’t so friendly. “I asked,” he grunted while trying to break down the door, “if you could give me a ride!” The door opened at that moment and he collapsed inside. Not knowing what to do, I fell back. As the man lunged, I kicked the air, hoping to strike. “Get the hell out of my house,” I shrieked. “Get out now!”

‘star witness’ by neko case

I WAS COMING OUT of the woods yesterday, when a plump red fox ran before me. It was less than 10 feet away, unaware (or aware) of my presence, and went ahead through a snowed-over field toward another patch of forest by the lake. I’ve seen foxes quite a few times in recent years, and have developed a kind of rapport with them. I would not yet claim them as a spiritual animal, but they are contenders. They are intelligent, cunning creatures, true friends.

The run-in with the fox reminded me of Neko Case’s outstanding 2006 album, Fox Confessor Brings the Flood. In the year ’06, I would harvest new albums from the library and then rip them (or their best tracks) to my PC, and then upload the MP3 to a first-generation iPod, I think. It doesn’t seem like a very long time ago in my memory, but it was almost 20 years ago. I would listen to that album on the way to and from work in Lower Manhattan. I recall cold December evenings walking in the darkness in New York and listening to my favorite song, “Star Witness,” which according to Neko Case, is about witnessing a shooting in Chicago. Somehow the song’s topic never got inside of me, it was those lovely chords and vocals.

(Sometimes I would go out and walk on the beach, with the cold sea beside me, listening to this song. I went out for such a walk when I found out my second daughter was coming.)

The song has followed me. Consider the refrain, “Hey there, there’s such tender wolves ’round town tonight.” But this is my real life. There are tender wolves lurking in the woods in Estonia. There’s something deeper at work here. Something involving foxes, wolves, and Neko Case.

The record itself was recorded in Arizona. Garth Hudson (yes, of The Band) played on it. The title was inspired by a Ukrainian folk tale. It seems Neko is one of these musicians who puts a lot of thought (or afterthought) into her song and album titles. But it’s worth reminding readers that Neko herself is of Ukrainian ancestry. I have to say, she always struck me as incredibly intimidating. Women who are about 10 years older than me are these soul-scarred, battle-hardened characters, and it’s not so easy to get close to them, because they’re like, “Then I started living on the streets and busking, after I was legally emancipated at the age of 15.” And I’m like, “Uh, can I get you a cup of coffee? Anything else I can get you, Miss Case?” Tried every drug known to man, survived scrapes with the law, leather tough. Or at least, that’s my image of her. Maybe Neko Case is marshmallow soft, but with that kind of voice, I doubt it.

marjatta

THE BUS LEFT ME OFF by the university, which was in a city, maybe even Washington in the District of Columbia. Wherever it was, the yellow-hued brickwork and soldierly architecture looked all too familiar to me. That hustle and bustle of an urban conurbation, construction site cranes looming, sticky humidity, gliding metro escalators and stuffy streetcar exhaust. I walked along through the pedestrians and noise. I went into the school through the side door.

A long time ago, around the time that Nirvana’s popularity peaked, I had been in this same building. I was sure of it. This was my alma mater, Sconset Junior High. If you went in by the side door and turned left down the first corridor, it would take you straight to Mr. Archimedes’ wood shop, where we once fashioned daggers and other weapons using the saws and lathes. In between, the grand auditorium, where year after year the theatre arts program staged beloved productions for the community. The next corridor led to the music department, the domain of Mr. Stuyvesant. It was all familiar, as I said, except that some things in the school were new.

The original school lacked a second floor over this wing, for example, but this version had one, with a staircase up. Maybe it had been added later? I went up the steps and looked out the windows, which showed that stretch of I Street between 23rd and Pennsylvania Avenue. Trash cans, hot dog vendors, and the shuttle bus to the Mount Vernon Campus. This was exactly where I was living in the spring of my junior year of college, except that my junior high had been transposed onto it. It was truly weird. On the second floor of this strange, fusion school, Marjatta was about to sing a ballad. She had a concert and there were posters on the walls. I went to all of Marjatta’s concerts. Who wouldn’t go to see a singer who looked like a maiden from the Kalevala? She wore a red dress, her chestnut hair was done up like Little My. I was never sure if Marjatta was amazingly beautiful or not, but I really liked her. I stood there with my camera, ready to take photos. This, I thought, would be welcome, boyfriend-like behavior.

Around her stood and sat a group of other Finnish musicians. They too were out of place. But when they finished their set, Marjatta just brushed aside me with her small entourage of bassists and percussionists. She made some quick eye contact with me, but said not a hope-extending word. That was all. Unrequited love and all that. I was stunned and disoriented. I watched Marjatta walk down the hall. I was back where I had started, wherever this place was. My melancholy youth of looking out windows.

border control

AFTER THE UNITED STATES COLLAPSED, it split predictably into smaller entities like the Mountain Union and the Gulf States. There was also the New England Confederation, its capital at Boston, based on the ideas of the 1814 Hartford Convention. New York, the Empire State, decided to go it alone, and anyone traveling from the New England Confederation to Long Island had to go through a customs check shortly after crossing the Rhode Island border in Connecticut and before boarding the passenger ship at New London bound for Orient.

Being a native-born Long Islander and passport-carrying, “birth right New Yorker,” I tried to get ahead in line there, but it was of no use. The line at the official New England Confederation-New York State border went up and down metal staircases. To my surprise, everyone else in line was wearing bathing suits and sandals, and it soon occurred to me that border control resembled a sort of water park, or maybe they had decided to monetize it in that fashion, which would not be at all unusual. There I waited and I didn’t even have a towel.

At the thronged counters, I gave one of the officers a piece of my mind, but she waved me away with Yankee disdain. She was dark-haired lass and might have been a Pequot or Narragansett, at least in part. “How downright typical of a pushy New Yorker to expect preferential treatment,” the woman at border control told me. Then she gave me a rubber bracelet, the kind that anyone might wear in a water park, and pointed me toward the ship.

a seat at the table

I HAD A SEAT at the table, but what a table! It was a long, wooden table with smooth surfaces that were almost soft to the touch, unvarnished, the kind of table you might see as the centerpiece in a spread in the Country Living magazine. It was also unusually tall, standing two or three storeys high, at the least. The legs of our chairs also reached down the height of the table, so that if I looked to my side, I could see tiny pedestrians going about their affairs, women walking dogs, boys on bikes, delivery cars arriving. Was that Manhattan down there?

At this table in the sky, there was a kind of supernatural service. A server set down a drink in front of Kerouac. He examined its contents, taking a moment to admire the way the light split and dissolved into it and then breathing in its sumptuous and potent vapors, as if it was a medicinal or even spiritual elixir. Kerouac was wearing a blue suit, which seemed unusual for him, and he had a few white hairs climbing up his sideburns. His brown greasy hair was combed up at the top, and he looked a bit worn, a bit frayed. Kerouac beheld his chosen spirit again and then in an instant, drank the first third of it from the glass. “Ah,” he said. “Ah ah ah.”

To his left sat Riken, the lanky Japanese mountaineer, in full hiking gear. He held some papers in his hand, A7 layout, with neat rows of black printed text, Times New Roman. The title at the top of one of these pages read, “The Adventure of the Snake.” He said, “I’m not sure what I think of it. I’d give it maybe a 3 out of 10. Or maybe a 3.5 on a good day. Three point three? Somewhere in the low threes.” He sighed. “I’ll tell you what I think of it,” Kerouac grumbled. “I think it’s total crap.” “But I was inspired by you, Jack,” I protested. “I’m trying to emulate you.” Kerouac drank down the second third of the drink with a gulp. “Well, kid,” he said. “You could do a better job. You’re not really devoted to your writing. Allen,” he addressed a third man, who was lying across the table on his back, staring up at the sunlight. “What do you think? Allen?”

“What?” Ginsberg turned over on his side, and it was young Ginsberg, with the hair and the oversized glasses that made his eyes look two sizes larger than they really were. “I’m sorry, I was just talking to William Blake,” he said. “Allen, what did you think of his stories?” Kerouac said. “Oh, I loved them, they were fantastic!” “Thank you,” I told Ginsberg. “Actually, I think I was more inspired by you when I was writing them. Surely you can see echoes of Howl in my writing. ‘I saw the best minds of my generation, destroyed by madness.'” “Starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,” Ginsberg went on. “See, Jack, the kid was inspired by me and not by you, by me, not you!” “Your messianic robes don’t suit me,” he said. “What do you say, tomodachi?” Kerouac asked of Riken. His arms were crossed now in deliberation. His craggy, weather-beaten face bore a pensive expression. “I still say 3.3,” he said. Kerouac turned back to me. “See,” he said with a grin and a shrug. “See! Listen to the man.” Then he lifted his glass and drank the final third.

back seat

THERE SHE STOOD in her overcoat on a cold day in the countryside, surrounded by friends and family. I don’t know why I happened to be there, or why I happened to be seated in the back seat of my own car. Her husband was there, their children, and plenty of other neighbors, colleagues, employees, and diverse hangers-on. Soon there was a knock at the car door, and I opened it. “We really need to talk,” she said. I could see, through the opening to her tan winter’s coat, a white dress, almost the kind that a bride would wear at a wedding. Her strawberry hair was pulled back in a thick braid and steam came from her lips when she spoke.

I moved over in the back seat and she got in. “What do you want to talk about?” I said. “This,” she answered. Then we began to kiss passionately. We had wanted to kiss each other for so long, and the moment had arrived. Instinctively, I fondled her breasts, feeling their full heft in my hand. Her skin was soft, milk white, and I began to pull at the material. “No, no,” she said. “We can kiss, but let’s not get …” “Too late!” I said, and began licking her. She had lovely dark nipples, which stood out against her flesh. I had heard rumors about her from other women. Even they had been aroused by the sight of her in the sauna.

Just then, we heard her husband calling her name in the distance. He called to her as if he was seeking a lost dog. I could hear the echo. I kissed her again on the lips and whispered, “Go and be with your family. Don’t worry about this. From now on we shall just have this little secret.”

the adventure of the snake

I HAD AN APPOINTMENT at the salon. I was scheduled for a trim by Juula, my favorite hairdresser, at precisely 1 pm. When I arrived there on bicycle, I saw there was a line out the door and many of them were speaking other languages, one of which was certainly German and another one was probably Latvian. I am rarely able to recognize Latvian, but it’s become the default “other language” I use in such cases. Some Latvian teenagers were talking to each other and I realized I would have to wait. They were beautiful girls in puffy winter jackets.

At the door there were two other surprise guests, Rhys Jonathan and Salil, schoolmates from Sconset High. They had certainly put on weight over the years, resembling Tweedledee and Tweedledum from John Tenniel’s 19th century illustrations. Rhys Jonathan’s throat was strange though, and upon inspection, I saw that it had been sliced open during some kind of sword fight, but was sutured with safety pins, like Clancy Brown’s Kurgan character in Highlander. “Don’t mind this, old friend,” Rhys Jonathan said, gesturing at his neck. “It’s a minor wound.”

Later we went for a stroll and Rhys Jonathan and Salil updated me on their adventures, the most titillating of which was Salil’s run-ins with a snake. Salil had been cohabitating with a sort of nightmare hippie witch woman who had turned him on to prostatic stimulation using a real-life serpent. This was a tiny golden tree snake that she had trained specifically for such male-pleasuring purposes. I found the whole story unbelievable, but Salil insisted it was true and took us to his home, which was in one of those cellar apartments in an old rowhouse, the kind you find in Washington, DC, scattered around up in Dupont Circle and in Georgetown.

His girlfriend was there, her hair was matted and dry but she had not yet started on dreadlocks. She had on a black tank top and ripped jeans and certainly did look a bit mischievous and evil looking. At the same time, her sex appeal was undeniable, and I found myself wondering if, had she seduced me, might I also be convinced to undergo the snake treatment. “But isn’t it odd to have a living creature in your ass?” I asked Salil. “It’s giving me low-key Richard Gere vibes.” “Don’t knock it until you try it,” Salil said. It was hard to imagine this otherwise laidback and civil Indian archaeologist in the throes of true snake ecstasy.

His girlfriend then displayed the snake in a jar, which slithered from side to side, it’s tongue darting in the air. She never said a word the entire time we were there, but her dark round eyes had all of us captivated, especially as she paused to roll herself a new marijuana cigarette.

Just then there was a mortar attack and someone shouted out, “Russians!” A loud blast followed, a stunning light, followed by thick and harsh gray smoke. When it cleared, I could see the snake on the ground, its glass jar shattered. Its yellow skin had turned black. The snake was dead and Salil’s girlfriend had disappeared. Salil crouched over the snake and seemed moved by its loss. “It was a good snake,” he said. “Come on,” Rhys Jonathan said. “Let’s leave.”

After the war started, I returned to Viljandi, where I found three Amazon packages outside my door, one of which had already been opened. These were full of organic granola bars and small candied citrus fruits, pears and apples. Foodstuffs that would come in handy during the conflict. Some of it had already disappeared and there were wrappers strewn around. Then my daughter came out of the house, munching on something. “I hope you don’t mind,” she said. “I was hungry.” “Take the boxes and go back into the house,” I yelled. “The Russians are coming!”

My daughter retreated into the house and at that moment Rhys Jonathan and Salil arrived on bicycles with a third friend, Kutsukalli, a Dutch-born academic and lover of dogs. “Kutsukalli is an expert on Stalinist interrogation techniques,” Rhys Jonathan said. “He will help us as we organize resistance against the Russians.” I looked up at Salil, who had lost his beloved ass snake, as well as his nightmare hippie girlfriend. We knew they must be avenged and that my daughter and her hoard of granola bars must be protected. Retrieving my bicycle from the wood barn, I mounted it in a cavalier way and we cycled ahead to reconnoitre the enemy.