oakland

MY MOTHER bought us tickets to the US, but they were from Frankfurt to Oakland, California. She said it was the cheapest deal she could find. This did result in some quarrelling. I told her I didn’t want to fly all the way to Oakland and then drive cross country. Over desert sands, mountain peaks, rolling plains? None of that. But the tickets to Oakland were booked.

It was all pre-arranged.

I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t a bad deal. I imagined little Oakland down there, gleaming beneath the silvery wing of the plane, the high bridge over the bay. The friendly taxi drivers, the friendly toll takers, those friendly Hells Angels, et cetera. And didn’t you know that in Oakland some families were now trying to live as they do in the country, keeping their own backyard goats? Hipster dads would disappear with their saucepans to collect the fresh milk.

Something unsettled me about the thing. Tickets acquired, with no input from me. I had to sit on that long flight whether I wanted to or not. A long, lengthy flight over half the world, and all of the North American landmass. “It’s only three hours longer than usual,” she said. I suppose I was going to go, and in the end I did. We packed our things and were off in that big shiny jet.

When we got there, I was dead tired. We checked into a boutique hotel on the corner of Bush and Powell. I had missed the San Francisco Bay. Maybe this wasn’t too bad. And maybe we could fly to New York. No need for a perilous road trip. My daughter slept on the floor, for some reason, and there were two single beds, like in those old Hollywood movies. I was in one bed and my wife slept in the other one. She looked sort of like a young Anu Saagim, during her notorious ’03 milk photoshoot. “Oh, you’re not going to sleep just yet,” she said. “Not without a good …” She climbed out of her bed and into mine with enthusiasm. The last thing I remember is those breasts dangling like fruit, freckles in between. Two freckly warm jugs.

That was all.

cemetery

AND SO WE RETURNED to Huntington on Long Island, which is one of the few settlements that could be called a real town on the North Shore and not on overgrown coastal meadow village or a sprawled out ship-building port, but a real micro-city with its own library and its ways and boulevards with names like New York Avenue and Prospect Street. There used to be trolleys running the length of Main Street, gliding along metallic grooves, bells ringing, in the old days, the Model T and Model A days, when the automobile was a luxury and the straw hat ruled. The trolleys inevitably circled around the grand town hall at the end of Main Street.

This vast brick structure, constructed by some post-war — here meaning post-Civil War — architect was still in use when I returned there with an Estonian woman, whose name I could never remember, but who was so keen to see my childhood places, such as the swimming pool at the YMCA, and we walked up the granite steps, where there were long lines of townspeople waiting to see some clerk or process some paperwork. What was her name anyway? Annikki? Tuulikki? In the long lawns that stretched down toward the center of town, some women were at work gardening. One poked her head up from between the bushes and I noticed the embroidered white linen bonnet of an Estonian folk costume. Then I heard lines of Estonian dialogue passed between the women, who were planting the gardens with yellow flowers.

Annikki and I came down the steps and there was a friendly encounter with the Estonian gardeners. “What on earth are you doing here?” She asked. “We came over for the summer,” the woman said. She was dressed in a white, traditional folk costume. It was strange that she would wear such beautiful clothes for such hard work, yet there wasn’t a spot of dirt on her.

The cemetery was next to the town hall, on the other side of a grove of dark trees. There was a long stone wall now erected between these properties, but there were many doors in this wall, which stretched for quite some ways, but most of the doors were sealed, and even from in between the few cracks, I could only hear the sounds of young town hall civil servants talking.

We found our way around to the cemetery, which was where my grandfather was entombed, and his father Salvatore and mother Rosaria, and their fathers and mothers and many cousins.

“This is where they sleep, the old Italians,” I told Annikki. She was a slender girl, with tufts of red hair and freckles. Her hair seemed to be in constant windblown animation. I put an arm around her. Annikki was compulsively curious about the world. But something about this world was off. For when I peered down in the cemetery, I saw the ruins of Rome, the tombs of Pompeii. Crumbling columns, nude statues missing arms and noses, all covered with moss.

“This must be the older part of the cemetery,” I told Annikki. “Where the very old Italians sleep. My relatives are buried in the newer part.” There was a small stone house at the gate, with statues of Apollo and Venus out in front. Out of this house stepped an Italian woman, dark-haired and olive-eyed, some years older than me, her skin a perpetual sun-kissed brown.

She began to speak to me, but in Italian, and I expressed myself to the best of my abilities. Some words fell out. Cimitero, parenti. “Your Italian is just awful,” she said in a turn. “Bruto. Who even taught you to speak our language?” “That’s the thing,” I said, sadly. “Nobody did.”

lost stones

WHEN I MOVED out of the apartment, I discovered the extent of my hoarding over the years. No matter how many boxes of books I moved, no matter how many armfuls of coats and shirts I extracted, the task was endless. I worked day and night and still got nowhere with the thing.

The apartment was in some up-and-coming residential area in Tallinn, like Noblessner maybe, but farther inland, though no place is very far inland in Tallinn. I had outgrown the neighborhood though, it being taken over by hipsters 20 years my junior with tech jobs.

While doing the move, I stopped and helped myself to some refreshing water flavored with effervescent mint at a café bar in the building’s food court. Some kid in a flannel shirt called me an old man for sitting there. ‘Next you’re going to start talking about the Eighties,’ he said.

Outside, I paused in the courtyard to breathe beneath the palatial, intergalactic, honeycomb looking apartment terraces and balconies, made of brick, glass and iron. And that’s when I heard it, the unmistakable sound of the early Stones. The fuzz of the guitar, that stark beat.

But something was strange about this song, for I had never heard it before. It was a bit like ‘Tell Me’ crossed with ‘The Last Time.’ How could it be that I had never heard it? Surely it had popped up in some anthology. But no. Looking up at the brick work, I could see the band, projected high in black and white. Mick Jagger was up there singing, holding the microphone.

Then it occurred to me. This must have been one of Brian’s songs. Andrew Loog Oldham had said that Brian Jones had written a few songs that Jagger and Richards, the primary songwriting team, had snubbed. By Oldham’s telling, Jones’s output had been worthless junk. But girlfriend Linda Lawrence recalled otherwise. She said that Brian’s songs were brilliant.

This must have been one of those lost songs, leaked from the vaults at last, played by Tallinn hipsters from some upper floor pad in the digital future. They were still cool. I was old and in the way, but the Stones were young. Mr. Brian Jones, 57 years dead, still lived on, his music played and played. Some consolation it was to hear the Rolling Stones on that sad day.

lidl

I HAD NOWHERE to stay, so I made a little nest in the corner of the Lidl supermarket with some discounted German pillows and blankets. I rested my head against a display case full of frozen pizzas. It was late afternoon and for some reason the lights had been turned off and the counters were covered with root vegetables, like radishes, carrots, cabbages, and so on, when I saw her there. Dulcinea, in her dark coat, glinting like gold at the end of a cave, talking to a supervisor in a pleasant but slightly pleading way. Then she saw me, sleeping in the corner and came over and said, “Mother says that I have to get a job. She said they have some openings.”

These were the first words she had said to me in three years. A tear ran down a heavy cheek. I had to pause to collect my poise. “Well, there’s a good chance I’ll still be sleeping here tomorrow night,” I told her, from my makeshift supermarket sleep nest. “Maybe we’ll be seeing each other again.” “Yes, it would be quite nice to see you again,” she told me. She meant it.

When she left, there was a special throb in my chest that I recognized instantly as love, and I allowed it to spread to every part of my body and to ache away in unison. What better feeling was there in this life than this kind of undying chance supermarket encounter love? But then I had to get a job and the sad fact is that I wasn’t at Lidl when Dulcinea started working there.

A conference on agricultural biotechnology, held in lower fourth level of the University of Life Sciences. Why did they build auditoriums so deep in the earth? Room 424B. Or was 403B? I couldn’t remember. It was all quite newly renovated, but what was with this green carpeting, the dark wood panelling on the walls? To make covering the conference more challenging, someone had given me a baby to care for, so I was pushing a stroller with the tyke in front. He was wriggling and at times sobbing quite loudly. The diaper had come loose, and his urine fountained everywhere. Whose child was this? He couldn’t have been mine. Way too blonde.

“I’ll get that little boy all cleaned up,” said a woman who came to help. She looked like Tippi Hedrin’s character in The Birds. She swept away with the mystery infant and I spent the rest of the day in the back row of a stale-aired conference room listening to dull talks about agronomy. Later I realized that I didn’t have a change of clothes for the conference. Could I really recycle the same shirt? The same black pair of pants? It occurred to me that somewhere inside Lidl they probably sold decent clothes on the cheap. So I would go back. Maybe I could find something high quality and German, but at a reasonable price. Maybe Dulcinea would be waiting at the counter. Again the feeling swept over me like cool winds across the steppe. And the fields and grasses rustled, whispering, “Love, love, love,” and “Always, always, always.”

kabul airport

BUT WHY DO I love her so? But why do I love her so? But why did I love Dulcinea? The question wrapped around the experience, like paper on a bottle. The more you turned it, the more you saw. Then everything went all zig-zag again and I wasn’t quite sure where I was, only that one piece connected to another — and there was a little boy there — one minor plot twist turned things. The next thing I knew we were landing at Kabul Airport in sandy Afghanistan.

Why were we here? Don’t tell me our band was on tour. But didn’t you know, our new keyboard player had let down all her previous bands? There was a large metallic overhang, like the roof of the stage over the Tallinn Song Festival Grounds. Everything else was underwater. Warm, chlorinated, waterpark kind of blue water. We lugged our suitcases through it, or rather they floated. Floating by went spinning islands of American candies, leftovers from the retreat? Mars, Snickers, Twix, Pringles, take your pick. And what were we even doing here? I grabbed a chocolate from one of the airport waterpark islands and looked up, saw orange. Great glowing comet-like streaks were running the length of the sky. Was it a fireworks display or had the Iran War spread to Afghanistan? But weren’t the Pakistanis also fighting the Afghanis now?

When I got to the hotel, I decided that I had my fill of adventure. I went to the café bar, told them to make me the blackest, darkest, evilest espresso there was. If she was the light, then I would be the dark. If she was wholesome and good, I would bristle with sinister malevolence. This life without her had been a graveyard dead end. Light unto light, dark unto dark, her pure into my pure. I stared down into the cup and it whispered back up to me like a haunted well.

staircases

AGAIN THAT TABLE, worn and soft to the touch, coming into view in the dim light of wherever this was. A bar, restaurant, a speakeasy tavern? The table was long, wide, thick. Two familiar friends sat down next to me, maybe one of them was Matti, a semi-famous, experimental writer, and he said to an approaching waitress in a white blouse, “Get this man a glass of the …” I didn’t hear the rest, but when it arrived, there was a near bowl of something that looked like pinot noir or valpolicella. I pushed the glass back on the table and announced, “For the very last time, Matti, I told you that I don’t drink anymore!” Then, gesturing to the kind waitress in the blouse, I affected a more diplomatic tone and said, “But I will have an espresso, thanks.” “Very good,” she said, and there was some turning and clicking of the heels. Matti, who was dressed all in black, guzzled my wine. His bald head was impressive, emerging from his neck like a boulder on Everest, or the corpse of a mountaineer who had fallen there.

I became aware that there were others around the table, including Violette who was waiting patiently for me. I began to reach for the fabric of her dress and brushed against her chest, ever so slightly, hoping that if I made her blush enough, she would unsheathe one for me. Just a few more pats around the breast and soon I would have one in my mouth, if I could only just lay back, like this? The espresso arrived on a silver tray and I took it and drank. It was hot and frothy, splashing around like waves in the Great Western Ocean. Then I announced to all, that I needed to use the bathroom. I headed for one downstairs, but Violette called after me, “No!”

It wasn’t there anymore, in fact everything had changed. The walls had been retiled, there were boxes of construction materials. I came up to the main floor again and Violette was standing there in her dress. She said, “My company acquired the building and there is no toilet anymore, except one for the management on the top floor, but you can’t go up there.” I made another play for her breasts. What did they look like under there? She had some kind of checker print material on, she reminded me of a tablecloth. Picnic baskets, summer, delicious. She just sort of swatted me away, but there was a happy little grin in there, beneath the hair.

“Nonsense,” I told her. “I’m going to find it. But first, I need my journal.” I took my journal from my bag and began climbing the steps to the off-limits upper floors. These had been demolished too and replaced with a swaying, unstable temporary metal staircase. All around me there were cranes and men in white shirts and hardhats conducting the lifting of materials and scaffolding. They were talking into headset microphones and giving orders and wore sunglasses. The staircase only swayed more and I remembered that I was terrified of heights.

I looked down and Violette was shaking her head, each one of those breasts still locked away, like fresh rolls behind bakery glass. “I told you,” she said. I looked down and saw there was a pool below me, a new pool for the company management who were developing the building. I decided to leap into the pool — I had lost all my desire to find a toilet — and kept the journal aloft as I came down feet first into the warm water. Unfortunately, the corner of this most precious book became wet in the fall. I held it up as I swam back to the restaurant. Violette helped me out. “It will dry,” I told her. “Even the wettest journals can be dried and read again.” Then, noticing Violette’s chest through the dress’s material, I said, “Let’s go sit down together.”

landlord

I MUST HAVE RENTED an apartment from a middle-aged Estonian man. He was maybe a decade older, dark tufts of hair, graying at the temples, tawny complexion. He might have been Spanish or Jewish in a previous life. He worked in some dusty corner of the financial services universe and was always dressed smart casual, with a jacket, shirt open at the collar, khakis.

His wife had recently left him, or they had separated or taken a time out. So they said. She took the rest of the children off to the Canary Islands, where she had become a poolside yoga teacher and worshipper of the Hindu love gods. The eldest daughter stayed behind to finish her studies. She was disarmingly beautiful. He was certain the girl had caught my eye. She had.

At night, her father would kick off his loafers after a long day spent shilling for the bank and watch the news on an enormous screen he had got a great deal on during the pandemic. When he saw me entering my apartment through the big glass windows on the first floor, and most of the house was made of metal and glass, he would shake his head a little and purse his lips and then nurse another sip from a bottle of beer. The apartment itself was a tranquil single room, wide and spacious, all painted white, with high, echoey ceilings, and a small kitchenette.

It had three windows and through them I would watch the eldest daughter arrive and depart on her way to or from her semiotics classes. The bob of a golden brain in the late winter sun. The lyrical cadence of a youthful, ever optimistic voice heard through the glass, concerned for her joyless, dead-hearted father. There was something to her, a kind of music so faint you could only hear it if you strained your very ears. But it was also so removed from my waking conscience that I could barely grasp at it, even if I tried. This sparkle might have found its way into a magazine article I wrote, one with sultry allusions to such inappropriate relationships.

And then one day, my landlord was there before me, clutching a rolled up copy of the magazine’s latest edition in his hand, ready to strike. I could see my face above the column, which was printed neatly in black and white “You,” he said, “are a sick pervert! I have already initiated legal proceedings, a kohtuprotsess!” I stepped back and he whacked me with my own words. I tried to defend myself. “But it was all fictionalized!” I cried. “All of it was fiction!” “Lies,” he shouted and struck. “Of course, some of it was based on reality.” “Jail!” he growled. “Jail!”

In my apartment, I let down the white blinds. Outside I could hear him howling, banging. I grabbed my things, crawled out the back window like a character in a Willie Nelson song. Then I was down the forest path, on my way, almost free at last when his wife appeared like mirage. I tumbled and there were orange leaves everywhere, so many leaves I began to swim. The enlightened landlord’s wife looked down out me, her head wrapped in a bandana. Stars flooded the sky and began circling her like little birds. They arranged themselves into a crown. She reached down and pulled me free from my leafy oceans. At long last, I had been rescued.

The landlord’s wife was a fine looking woman, very smooth features, a kind of gray-brown hair just visible beneath her turban, and she had very clear blue eyes that were skies unto themselves. She did not fear my love of her daughter, for as she saw it, all daughters needed to be loved. “Would you like honey too?” She poured me some tea on the terrace later. I mixed in the honey, watched it dissolve in the peppermint, and drank deep from the warm ceramic cup. I was still kind of shaken up and could see her husband through the windows. He was filming the whole thing. Evidence to be used at trial. He gave me the middle finger. Then he motioned to his throat and made a slashing gesture. He mouthed the words: “Pervert, pervert. Jail, jail.”

frittata

SIGBRITT was making a frittata. She was in the little yellow kitchen with its dim yellow lighting and she was very excited. Her flame of yellowblonde hair was open and loose and messy. Sigbritt was making frittata in the old school way, sprinkling breadcrumbs on top of the mix, cooking it over a low heat in a cast iron pan. Who had taught her the recipe? Her hair and skin reflected back the light from the kitchen. Soon she would put it in the oven to finish up.

Each time she added an ingredient, she leapt up, and each time she jumped, I caught her breast in my mouth. Sigbritt was not very tall and she was still very clothed, in a silky green-gray blouse. With each leap of happiness, I gave her another lick. “But I have a boyfriend, but I have a boyfriend, but I have a boyfriend,” she said and teased me. As she chanted, her blue eyes sparkled. “His name is Giovanni, his name is Giovanni, his name is Giovanni!” “I don’t care, I don’t care,” I said, suckling Sigbritt. First one, then the other. First the left and then the right. “So what, so what, so what?”

underwater book

THE HOUSE was at the top of a hill on the edge of town, some wooded area, exclusive wherever it was and in any case. Whoever owned it had not been there for some time. Maybe it was a summer place? My car pulled into its gravel driveway and parked beside a wooden gate. I had driven it there, but I don’t remember why I decided to stop in that shady place.

Maybe I just needed a rest.

Outside, I could see two figures talking in the dust, a very elegant woman dressed all in black with sunglasses and her hair done up and a groundskeeper who was being given instructions as to what needed to be trimmed, moved, painted, refurbished, et cetera. He had on khaki and white and looked like he was about to go fishing. There he stood, holding a white bucket while she went on and on. When she was at last finished, the man disappeared behind a red barn.

That left the two of us. She didn’t see me, or I didn’t notice her seeing me. She had on those big sunglasses, the scarf around her neck. What a fashionable lady, and clearly very posh, to live in such a palace, even if it was in disrepair. She went inside the house to dust the old vases.

I began to wander the estate, past the hedges, under the arches. Where was this? England? Estonia? The Hamptons? There was an old swimming pool tucked into a courtyard, its green clear waters moving against a light breeze. In the shallower part of the pool, I could see there was a book. The book was open, about halfway through. If I focused my eyes, stared at the book long enough, I could read the words on the page through the water ripples on the pool’s surface. Blurry words. Then something unusual happened. I dove headfirst into the water.

The water was cool, fresh, almost sweet to the taste. And so clear, like it was fed from an underground stream or a Greek grotto. I came up again with the book in my hands, looked around. The interior of the courtyard was covered in green ivy, climbing up all walls. And from this darkness emerged the lady of the house, clutching imperiously at her shawl. I realized that I knew who she was as she removed her sunglasses. But wasn’t she 10 years older than me?

“I see that you like my underwater book,” she said. I did. I held it on the edge of the pool. I liked the text, it was set in Renner’s classic 1927 Futura. The pages were strange, they just slipped through my fingers, except they didn’t fall apart. They were soft to the touch, it was a kind of softness I had never felt. “Come up here,” she said. “Sit by me.” I sat on the edge of the pool with the book in my lap and the woman came over to me. Then she gently removed the book, set it down beside me, and sat in my lap facing me. Next, I was inducted into her. It went quick.

“There, there,” she said, with a hint of satisfaction and a very happy sigh. “That’s much better.”

hollow road

HOLLOW ROAD was a shady road. If you followed it from one end to the other, it would carry you from the Village Green to Cedar Street. It was called Hollow Road because it ran the length of a hollow. Atlantic coastal deciduous trees rose up on both sides, tall, towering oaks, cedars, and maples. In all seasons, the hillsides were covered with their colorful rotting leaves. About halfway down on the left, as you traveled the road toward Cedar Street, there was an old cemetery where the original British settler families like the Conklins and Bayles were entombed behind iron gates and beneath Victorian angels. But I never went up in there.

On this day, I walked on ahead, gingerly, freely. It was late spring, early summer, or the onset of fall. The sun shone through the leaves into the darkness of the hollow and as I exited this kind of natural tunnel, I found myself at the foot of Suffolk Avenue. On the right hand side though, I could see that several newer houses had been constructed since I went away, in a style someone might call Scandinavian contemporary. Such buildings would not be out of place on the other side of the ocean. In fact, the more I observed them, the more I began to realize that this part of Hollow Road matched Hariduse Street, which means Education Street. At least the houses looked like the kinds that one found at the start of Hariduse Street, just before the old Airplane Factory. But this was not Estonia. This was Long Island. I was sure of it. The trees were proof. Estonia didn’t have these trees.

The houses were deserted. I didn’t see one trampoline in a yard or car in a driveway. They were made of wood with yellow corrugated metal roofs. All of the trees around them had been cut down, the underbrush removed. The land had been ploughed through and reshaped and covered with fresh green sod from the sod farms out east. It was just too vacant and peculiar. I walked up one of the gravel driveways and found myself at the door of one of these Scandinavian contemporary houses on Hollow Road. The door was ajar and so I went in.

There was almost no furniture in the house. A table, a couch. But someone was living here. On the table, I saw piles of chocolate wrappers from Ghirardelli and other big name manufacturers. On the walls hung the glinting paintings of the Austrian symbolist painter Gustav Klimt. I stood there in that unlit room admiring the Klimt paintings when a woman walked in and startled me. “Who are you? What are you doing here in my house?” she said.

She was younger than me and she had raven black hair. This was pulled up in a messy braid. She wore a white jacket. Her eyes were light and remarkable but not threatening. I told her quickly that I had used to live in the neighborhood, how I can discovered the strange houses, how I had decided to look inside, how my curiosity had got the best of me. She told me that she was a translator, a chocolate translator, and how she was responsible for translating all of Ghirardelli’s packaging and marketing materials into other languages. But how did she come to acquire the Klimt paintings? Weren’t they worth millions? They were beautiful pieces.

“Yes, I also like them very much,” she said. At that moment, I began to feel a familiar, wavy sea-like sensation. It was like the floor was being pulled out from beneath me. She just stood there, staring at me. She had very light, soft skin. It was like milk. She looked too familiar. Who was she? The maritime sensation continued. “Well,” the woman said. Her voice tinkled like faint, far off music. “What now?”