“BUT DESPERATION CAN CRYSTALLIZE. It’s like amber or obsidian, like those obsidian arrowheads from the Yucatan. It hardens and somehow becomes more bearable, natural.”
*
“And Eisenhower hated Fitzgerald. And the hatred was mutual. Cold cold bright days again. Work week, work, work. But, yes, I’ll do it. For the money.”
*
“And waving to [name omitted] at night. It’s like clutching to debris from the sinking Titanic. You just cling to it and cling to it. It provides you with a feeling of safety. Sort of.”
*
“I just sort of glued myself to her after that. She was tired though and left wearing a little black Bolt helmet. She went home to sleep. Mine ja maga uinakut, I told her. Go and take a nap. And I hugged her and it was nice.”
*
“Then I willed myself out into the countryside. I was thinking of her, all silver and blue, a girl who swims through life like a tropical fish. At least it is an honest feeling, a true feeling. At least I know that honesty and truth still exist, just as she exists. And if I could tell her anything, I would say, I would choose you and only you, and even if you are really so short, for me you are just right, paras.”
*
“And in that dream I was waiting for a train to Philadelphia beside [name omitted] who kept telling me that I was annoying her. Then I was in a wooden ruin, which turned into a sinking ship. I was talking about 21 Jump Street with Johnny Depp and Richard Grieco and Peter Deluise. Then I took the subway into the office in New York, arriving at noon. My editor scolded me for being late. [Name omitted] was there, but was preparing to leave work, but she asked me to collect her things. There was a kind of gauze or white sheet, and I folded everything up for her.”
*
“I ran to the theatre, diving for cover. Horrors of Mariupol, murder. I looked out into the distance and could see the billowing red Oppenheimer clouds. Orange with abundant death. I ran to the theatre, taking shelter. Some buildings had been hit. There were glass windows, and blue leaking water. There were anti-aircraft gunners but it was no use. People, blues, ballooning, drifting. Groceries blown all over the streets. Run to the theatre, get in the theatre!”
*
“[Name omitted] was then elected president of Finland, succeeding Sauli Niinistö. She went to Tallinn to accompany an art exhibition or installation, but was protected by her bodyguards. I wanted to see her, but was nervous. We would meet at Kumu. I agreed we could talk about her new flower book. Along the way, several people stopped me to ask for directions around Tallinn. But Tallinn had changed. It was like Stockholm. It was set out on islands, with bridges everywhere …”
Excerpts from my journal, written April 2023 – February 2024
north! 